Understanding Trauma and How to Support Someone Working Through It

TW: Trauma, Residential Schools

The American Association of Psychiatry defines trauma as an “emotional response to a highly stressful event.” To put it differently, it is the emotional impact of experiencing something severely distressing.

Trauma is a word that bears many strong connotations. You are likely picturing what is considered the “typical” traumas. Perhaps you are imagining a veteran haunted by memories of a brutal war, or maybe it is a survivor of a car accident replaying the moment of impact. While these are indeed traumas, it is crucial to understand that it does not need to be the extent of surviving wars or accidents. To put it simply, trauma can be an experience that deeply impacts a person.

Unfortunately, trauma is not one to discriminate. Anyone of any age can go through it. Children can experience it through neglect or abuse. Older individuals can undergo trauma later in life through car accidents, unexpected loss or the experience of violence (to name a few). It can take the form of a singular event or be ongoing. It is challenging to set a standardized criteria of what will or will not be a traumatic event to someone, and therein lies its complexity.

Experiencing trauma can have far-reaching and devastating consequences. Understanding trauma effectively means having a sense of the many forms it may take. So let’s dive deeper into the different types of trauma.

The Different Types of Trauma

While this list is non-exhaustive, it gives a sense of how multifaceted trauma can be.

Individual Trauma

As the name suggests, individual trauma is something that directly happens to one person. Among the most common personal traumas are physical injuries.

While it directly affects one individual, others who know the person intimately can be significantly impacted as well. The supporting person can feel traumatized on behalf of the individual and may have to adjust to a new way of life or contemplate what they said to them before the event.

Historical Trauma

This is otherwise known as generational trauma. The book “Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services” describes this type of trauma as an “event that was so widespread it affects an entire culture. They are events of such intensity they influence generations of cultures beyond those who experienced them directly.”

Among one of the most relevant examples is that of Residential Schools, which was based on forced separation and acculturation of Indigenous children and created immense intergenerational trauma. Consequently, many generations felt a substantial loss of their language and cultural identity and knowledge.

Historical trauma shows that people are not disconnected from their history or their previous generations. Like throwing a stone into water, the emotional trauma of earlier eras can be inherited by future generations and ripple in the form of depression, grief and their own traumatic stress. This type of trauma makes people more at risk of experiencing the severe effects of their own traumatic experiences.

Interpersonal Trauma

Interpersonal trauma typically consists of events that happen between people who know each other. This can include parents and their children or spouses. Examples include intimate partner violence* and elder abuse. Often this trauma is ongoing with multiple occurrences. It is further complicated by the fact that the perpetrator is someone the victim knows intimately, be it a parent or spouse.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

While there are some common symptoms of emotional trauma, it can manifest in people in many different ways. There is no one “right” way to deal with or process trauma. The experience truly depends on the person.

Discrepancies can even include when the symptoms arrive. Symptoms can be immediate or delayed.

Some physical symptoms include:

• Dizziness

• Nausea

• Insomnia or Fatigue/Exhaustion

• Headaches

• Gastrointestinal problems

Some possible psychological symptoms include:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD - does not always happen)

• Panic attacks

Beyond physical symptoms, there are some cognitive symptoms that are to be noted.

Long-term trauma's effects often see the survivor's amygdala (responsible for emotional responses such as fear) become overactive, sensing fear everywhere. As noted in "Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services," the hyperactive amygdala could lead to "cognitive errors." Among these errors include misperceiving a current situation as dangerous because it "resembles, even remotely a previous trauma." This would be akin to an individual hearing the bark of a dog in the far distance and feeling paralyzing fear after suffering an attack by a dog in the past.

While not always, experiencing excessive guilt can be an unfortunate part of the package deal. Often, this can be an attempt on the part of the survivor to make sense of the event or take control of it.

Alternatively, people can cope by attempting to "rationalize or idealize their abuser's behaviour.' This typically occurs in cases where the abuser is a caregiver.

Common language associated with trauma are triggers and flashbacks. Triggers are something, be it noise, sensation, a phrase or scene, that prompt a memory of the trauma or an aspect of it. Realistically, a trigger can be anything, regardless of how distantly it is like the trauma. While some triggers can be easily recognized and predicted, some aren't as obvious and can catch the individual off guard.

Flashbacks are typically brief moments where the individual feels as though they are re-living the traumatic event. It can be prompted randomly or by something specific.

In The Eye of the Beholder

Perhaps it may be surprising to say that trauma can be very subjective. Put differently, the way someone interprets their trauma is significant. 4 people in one household can experience the same traumatic event and interpret it differently. Not all of them could even sustain trauma from it.

Knowing this, it is crucial to consider the interpretation a person attaches to their distressing experience. Why?

An individual's meaning assigned to a traumatic event is a big part of how they will process, react, and cope with trauma.

Family beliefs, the culture you are in, life experiences, personality can contribute to how you interpret traumatic events.

If you come from a culture where the mere idea of trauma is taboo, rarely acknowledged or discussed, you are likely to feel an increased sense of shame and alienation around your trauma. Ultimately, this could lead to you being less likely to disclose it or seek help and support. Instead, you could feel obligated to cope with this entirely on your own.

How do I Support Someone Dealing with Trauma?

1. Be realistic about your role.

Oftentimes, when we are supporting someone who is dealing with serious trauma, we may find ourselves asking not only “what do I do” but also “what can I do?” It is completely normal to feel a sense of helplessness or quite frankly, feel useless. We love and care about that individual and part of loving someone is feeling like you want to take away all their suffering. But, it is important to understand that we cannot take away someone’s pain. We also cannot force anyone to go into treatment. We can, however, be a support system, which may manifest as being a safe space to talk or a consistent presence. When that familiar feeling of “helplessness” or “not doing enough” is persuading you to shift from friend to pseudo counsellor, please remind yourself that the mere act of showing up for a loved one is hugely impactful.

1. Unsure? Just Ask

In a modern day emotional landscape, there seems to be an expectation that when people come to us for support, we are supposed to know exactly how to provide comfort and comfort. But the truth is, sometimes we do not always know how to support someone, especially if the situation is really serious. I am here to say that this is OKAY! In the ways that people have different preferences for the way they style their hair, the fruit they eat, the way they choose to move their bodies, people have different preferences to how they want to be supported. Emotional support is a skill and a huge part of that skill is knowing to ask. Some people need to talk to process what is happening. Others need company and someone to do activities with. Asking someone how they would prefer to be supported is a fantastic way of showing you love and care about them. My go to for these situations are:

• “What can I do to make you feel supported? Do you want a space to talk and vent? Or would you just prefer company?”

• “I want to be there for you, how best can I support you?”

1. Follow their lead

This is perhaps one of the most important things I can suggest. If your loved one does not want to talk about it, do not force a conversation. Support means meeting people where they are at. Forcing someone to deal with a problem in the way you would deal with a problem is a huge violation of the safe space. Language use is also something to be very mindful of. Try to use the language they use. If they refer to themselves as a survivor, follow their lead and use those words from now on. It is a small but important way to be supportive. Being intentional about having open body language and facing the person are non-verbal ways to create a safer space for conversation.

1. Active Listening 101

Active listening is a great way to show empathy to a loved one. All it means is giving your full focus and attention to the person speaking. Some great ways of demonstrating active listening is to (from time to time) paraphrase what the person is saying to you. Here is an example:

“I’m hearing that you are feeling really anxious about starting counselling.”

This simple thing just shows that you are making an effort to understand what they’re saying. It also gives the other person space to expand more on what you are paraphrasing. It’s important to not overdo this.

1. Compassion >>>> Advice

We are used to being many things for our friends, be it counsellors, life coaches, and problem-solvers. It can be a knee jerk reaction to give advice. While it is well-intentioned, giving advice is not always the most supportive thing to do. Your advice comes out of your life experience and your unique perspective. What works for you is not always going to work for others. It puts a lot of pressure on you to support by giving advice. Unless someone explicitly asks for it, prioritizing being a compassionate and accessible space to talk is often better than advice.

1. Help connect them to resources

It is important to first say that following step #3 is important. If the individual is not willing to seek support for what is going on, respect that. But you will not know unless you ask. Here is how I go about asking:

“I think getting some outside support might be really helpful. Are you open to looking at some resources?”

If they are willing to look at resources, you can play an important role in helping the person find resources and book an appointment. Being the one who sorts out the technicalities of getting registered to a resource can help chip away at the seemingly overwhelming mountain of trying to get help. If the person is okay with it, you could even accompany them to the appointment.

1. Be validating but avoid “I know how you feel.”

Being validated is super important. No one wants to feel as though their emotions and anxieties are alien or unreasonable.

Example:

• “I can see that you’re feeling really hurt.”

• “This must be really frustrating.”

You can also use paraphrasing in this example

• “ I can see that you’re feeling really hurt because what __x__ said was very rude and inconsiderate.”

Hyper positivity is also extremely invalidating and minimizing. Examples include:

• “Let’s look on the bright side”

• “Just stay positive”

• “Everything happens for a reason”

“I know how you feel” tends to be trivializing and can be weirdly invalidating. Unless you genuinely have experienced what they are going through, avoid this phrase.

1. Key = Nonjudgmental

Do not judge the way someone is processing trauma or feeling. There is no right way to process trauma. If you come to the table expecting someone to be a certain way, you’re likely going to invalidate and misunderstand the person. As mentioned in a previous section, trauma is deeply subjective. How someone copes or processes is intertwined with how they interpret what happened to them. It is linked with their culture, personality and life experiences. Your loved one is completely their own person in their own right, come to the table with no expectations of how they should cope.

1. Let’s be practical

A common thing people say to others in times of distress or sadness is “if there is anything I can do, let me know.” Anytime someone says this to me, I appreciate the sentiment but typically do not take the person up on their offer. Sometimes it feels like I am asking for too much. If you see ways that you can genuinely help the person out, whether that be getting them groceries, picking up a coffee or paying a visit… just do it. People are not always going to request it. But simple things like giving someone a ride or dropping off their favourite foods can be a more physical way of saying “I care about you and I want to be there for you.”

1. Take care of yourself

Being a support system can be emotionally challenging. Taking care of yourself is crucial when you are supporting someone else. If you are feeling low, you’re not going to be able to handle being there for someone else. Set boundaries with other people, including the person you may be supporting (like not being accessible 24/7, 365 days a year). Take time to do activities that you find nourishing and fun. Establish people that can support YOU whether that be family, friends, or a partner. Self-care allows you to give your best to other people. Prioritize it, as it is the most important thing you can do for others.

You may feel pressure to do more, support better, be more accessible. That familiar sense of helplessness can set us into a panic and insecurity that we’re not doing enough. Please remember, the mere act of showing up for someone who is struggling is so huge. I can guarantee you that if you’re leading with compassion and empathy, you’re doing a good job.

*For more information and resources relating to intimate partner violence, refer to this article here.

Resources

Crisis Lines Here to Help:

• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

• Crisis Line Association of BC: 1-800-784-2433

• Adult/Elder Crisis Line (24 Hours): (250)-723-4050

• Child/Youth Crisis Line (24 Hours): (250)-723-2040

• Battered Women Support Services (Vancouver Based)

  • BWSS Crisis Line: 604-687-1867

• Directory of Crisis Lines across BC:

Other Resources

• Youth Chat (6 pm - 12 am): www.youthspace.ca

• https://crisiscentrechat.ca/

Resources for The Indigenous Community:

• First Nations & Inuit Hope for Wellness: 1-855-242-3310

• KUU-US Aboriginal Crisis Line: 1-800-588-8717

• Indian Residential school Survivors & Family Support Line: 1-866-925-4419

• Native Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-877-209-1266

• Métis Crisis Line: 1-833-638-4722